Friday night, while rolling out pizza dough, J and I were chatting about the recent death of an elderly member of J’s extended family.  Clare didn’t seem to be listening when all of a sudden she asked “am I going to die?”  If you could hear inside my head you would have heard a combination record scratch/heartbeat thud.  I tried to answer casually but I knew that this wasn’t going to be a casual conversation.  Our girl is smart, savvy and very emotionally astute.  A simple question is rarely a simple question. 

My philosophy about answering Clare’s questions, simple or otherwise, is to answer her question honestly but only answer her question.  For example, when she asked us “am I going to die?” our answer was “yes, someday you will die.”  We didn’t go into deep discussions of afterlife or heaven, we didn’t dodge her question, we didn’t minimize it – we just answered exactly her question in the most honest way we could.  Time will tell if this is the “best” way to handle these situations, but it’s what we do.  When we let Clare lead the discussion it usually means that we won’t throw more information at her than she can handle, but it does sometimes means the discussion can get messy and lead into tangents we never imagined. 

Last Friday was one of those nights where it got messy and lead to tangents.  We had an emotional night explaining that yes, all people die.  It usually happens when people are very old after living a long life.  Yes, every person that we know and love will eventually die.  We hope it won’t happen for a very long time.  We don’t know when we will die.  As we were explaining this to her, first in the kitchen while making pizza and then cuddling on her bed, she struggled and cried a little bit.  It’s a hard thing for a four-year-old to understand, though she was desperately trying to.  It’s a hard thing for an adult to understand, and many adults work very hard to avoid thinking about it.  She cried “But I want to be a mama!”  I assured her that she could still be a mama if she wanted to be one.  She probably would be a mama and even a grandma.  “But I don’t want you to die!  I need my family!”  You will have your family, my sweetheart, for a very long time.  We will be with you for a long time, and in your heart forever.  “When people die do they come back as babies in Mama’s tummies?”  We don’t really know what happens after people die, but some people believe that.  “It’s a little bit scary Mama.”  I know baby.  It is a lot scary.  Let’s focus on what we can control.  Let’s focus on living a good life, on having a good day, on enjoying each other right now.  What do you want to do tomorrow?  “I want to paint my fingernails and toenails.”  OK Baby, we will do that.

“Dying is still a little bit scary.”
“Yes it is Sweetheart.”