Like most of the country J and I have spent the weekend trying to make sense of the events in Connecticut.  We both heard about it at work, and both of us spent the day trying not to cry while doing our jobs.  These aren’t bad things that happen to other people, they are horrifying events that could happen to my babies.  Tragic events strike deeper levels of horror in me now that I’m a mother. 

Since having Clare, and now Sam, I walk around with a well of hell inside of me.  It’s the hell that would unleash, consume, dissolve and destroy if something were to happen to one of my babies.  It’s the worst kind of hell I can imagine, so I try hard to keep the lid on it.  For the most part I do a pretty good job – y’know, I watch them fall down and get back up again, they skin their knees, they go to school, they will drive and eventually move away.  I accept this and keep the lid tight on the well so that the worry doesn’t consume me. 

But it’s there, it’s always there, and sometimes the lid lifts when I hear of tragedies like the one in Connecticut.  I spent all day Friday imagining the parents, the horrible fear that their worst hell was about to come true.  I’ve thought about those children and how scared they were.  I imagine my own babies scared, crying, needing me and not being there.  But mostly I’ve been feeling for those parents, the ones who were so scared and now so grateful.  Also for the ones who are suffering beyond the fear, suffering beyond the imaginable, to that hell.  I’ve spent most of the weekend keeping a brave face for my kids, trying not to go there, not to lift the lid, fall into the well – the well that wouldn’t let me go if I went all the way in. 

So I held on.  I held onto soft fingers, pudgy thighs, silky hair, and wiggly little bodies.  I held onto made-up songs, babbling “Momomom,” giggles, shrieks of laughter, and “I love you.”  Mostly I held onto the present, the now, the tangible, the life… that is, them.  I held them because I could. 

While JP was doing the heavy lifting of the drive, Deb and Maddy flew ahead for a weekend of cousin fun.  While I’m excited to see JP and Deb and Maddy more often, I think the highlight of it will be watching the cousins grow up together.   They already have a nice bond and really like each other.  Precious Maddy was saying Sam and following him around.  She and Clare were giggling and telling secrets.  These three have a childhood full of adventures ahead of them and I can’t wait to watch it.

Well, maybe the best time was had by Grandma. 

Here’s some slice ‘o’ life photos from November in the land of McPherson.  

This boy loves to be barefoot.  Even now that the weather has turned cold and the floors are a little chilly he will not keep socks on.  I find single socks all over the house, my car and, more often then I’d like, on the neighborhood streets where he’s pulled them off during walks.  When we’re home I’ve given up putting socks on him and I let him run around barefoot.

On the way to Bend we stopped at our usual restaurant in Madras.  J and I like the smoothies, Clare likes this little frog.

Here are a few pictures from Thanksgiving -including how Sammy spent a fair amount of time during the holiday.  Yep, I saw this face looking up at me more often then I would have preferred.  Poor little guy was teething and was in quite a bit of pain.

Sam likes to sit with his toes up hooked under his high chair.  I have no idea why, but it’s awfully cute.

Last week the kids and I saw patches of blue sky through the endless days of clouds.  We bundled up and headed to the zoo.  OK, so it may have been blue sky but it was only about 38 degrees and we were chilly.  Fortunately the kids were troops and we ended up having a great time. The zoo was amazingly empty (imagine that!) and we spent lots of time watching the sea otters play, the orangutans eat spinach, and the wild pigs snort in the dirt.  Cold aside, it was really fun to feel like we had the zoo to ourselves.

Lastly, this is what greets me when I get home from work.  It never fails to put a smile on my face.

It was fun to watch how Sam approached walking.  He’s been cruising along walls and furniture for a few months now, so he was very stable on his feet.  However, he didn’t really practice walking on his own much until he felt very stable.  He really doesn’t fall very much, mostly because he’s very deliberate and intentional.  If he doesn’t feel like he can walk, then he won’t and when he feels a little shaky then he sits down rather than fall.  He’s also amazingly patient with it, not getting frustrated but rather brushing off his stumbles and trying again.  It’s been an interesting little window into how our boy’s mind works.

We have so many reasons to be thankful in 2012 – and we celebrated our thanks by going to Bend with my parents.  It was a weekend of food (lots of food), time with family, playing with the kids and relaxing.  Oh, and sickness… but we won’t dwell on that.

 

Have I mentioned how thankful I am for my parents?  Yep, they’re pretty great.  And not just because they own a beautiful house in Bend that they let us use… yep, pretty thankful for the house too. 



I had asked Clare what she wanted to do for Sam’s birthday and she told me that she wanted to make Sam a birthday cake.  So we enlisted the help of Auntie Carrie, who had recently taking a cake decorating class, and spent Saturday baking and decorating the cake.  It was wild… flour was spilled, sugar was sampled, food coloring was splattered, and we finally just gave Clare her own bowl of frosting to eat so she would stop eating the iced cake.  But the finished cake was made from pure love.

 

 

Then it was time for presents – which Sam heartily enjoyed.  Then, after presents, it was nap time for our precious little guy.  At the end of a day of celebration and enjoyment I felt remarkably calm and relaxed.  It was a perfect way to celebrate our Sam, active and busy but also with a feeling of peace, love and contentment that is the signature of our little guy.

Life with two young kids means lots of time spent playing.  Our house is full of pretend games, silly stories, art projects, songs and all around play.  It’s important to me as a mom that my kids look back on their childhoods with memories of happiness and laughter.  Besides I’m also a believer in the Maria Montessori quote that “play is the work of the child,” so that all time spent playing is my kids way of learning, developing and exploring. 

We do quite a bit of cooking, and we’re starting to involve Clare in some of it.  Her favorite toys, besides  books, are her play kitchen and food.  Every day she’s cooking some type of food in her kitchen and serving it up at her table.  The Kids’ Kitchen as we call it specializes in “delicious cookies,” “dog poop milk,” and “yummy soup.” 

Every now and then I get the idea from a parenting blog to do some kind of homemade preschool craft activity.  The one above was homemade moonsand – which was 4 cups flour mixed with 1/2 a cup of vegetable oil.  It was great fun, a great sensory experience for the kids and kept them occupied for a good 40 minutes.  By the end approximately 3 cups of moonsand was spread all over my kitchen floor and the remaining cup was rubbed into our clothes.  The clean up took another 40 minutes, so we probably won’t be recreating that until the weather is better and we can go outside.  Sometimes this “play is the work of children” thing is pretty messy.

When I’m home with the kids on weekends on Mondays and Tuesdays I try to do some type of art activity – even if it’s as simple coloring with crayons.  Sammy has started to get in on the painting action.  We listen to music and sing songs constantly.  Sam really likes Old McDonald Had a Farm – especially the animal noises.  Clare is moving beyond nursery rhyme songs and likes the Gaelic Storm song “Tell Me Ma.”  We listen to easy to sing songs by Carol King and James Taylor a lot, and Clare is still a Beatles fan.

Also during that doctor’s visit, Clare got a flu shot.  She was really upset by it crying out “the nurse huuuuurt me!”  I held her hand, sang to her during the shot, gave her a sticker afterwards, and told her what a brave girl she was.  Then it was my turn to get a flu shot, so Clare held my hand, sang Twinkle Little Star to me, and as we were leaving said “I’m so proud of you for not crying Mama.  You were so brave!”

Sammy is really starting to imitate our gestures and actions.  He’s so low-key that we forget sometimes how observant he is.  If he sees a hair brush he will brush his hair with it.  He stirs the little pots on the stove in the kids’ kitchen.  The cutest is when he finds a tissue he brings it to his nose and blows a raspberry into it – imitating when we blow our nose.

Sammy is, as I’ve mentioned, very busy and into EVERYTHING.  The bathroom is one of his favorite places to explore, and he gets into some trouble there.  I’ve discovered a new trick while I’m getting ready in there and that’s to put him in a dry bath tub.  He loves it and happily plays with his toys and the shampoo  bottles, and I love it because he can’t get out!  I only wish I had thought of this when Clare was a baby.

Clare spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa’s last weekend.  She loved it, of course,and Grandma sent me this picture of her in the morning “reading the paper.”  My favorite story of the weekend was when Clare was playing the little thumb harp and looked up at my mom saying “I’m a lady of music Grandma.”

This little bruiser got his first pair of shoes last weekend.  We originally went to Target but quickly found that the shoes didn’t fit onto his feet. We ended up at Stride Rite, measured his feet and discovered that he needs an Extra Wide shoe.  I may have referred to his feet as “blocks.”  As we left, $40 later, the sales lady said “see you next mont when you need the next size.”  Ha ha ha sales lady…

Dear Sam,

One year ago today you came into our lives – and our world has never been the same.  You arrived early the morning, screaming with indignation, and then sweetly settled into snuggling and eating.  In this whirlwind year there has been lots of sweet snuggling, a fair amount of eating and, fortunately, not much screaming.  You’ve brought such a joy to our lives and we can’t imagine the past year and the future years without you.

Today we celebrated your first birthday in a way that’s fitting your personality.  Rather then a big party with lots of people, we did one of your favorite activities with some of the people you love the most.  We went for a hike at Tryon Creek State Park with your grandparents, Grandma T, and our dear friends Robin, Ryan, G, baby M, Adam, Chan and Carrie, and dogs Sadie and Kirby.  The sun was shining through golden leaves and it felt like the forest was celebrating your birthday along with us.   You didn’t know which smiling face to look at next.  We came back home for lunch, singing, cake and presents.  You loved it and we loved seeing you so happy.

You are such a sweet little boy with a gentle way about you.  You love a good cuddle and can be a bit demanding until you get one.  For such a gentle little boy, you aren’t a peaceful one.  You are bound and determine to explore the world and experience all it has to offer.  With arms and eyes open you touch, taste, rub, throw, and roll everything you can reach. Your appetite for food and excitement are unending and we struggle to keep up with you.  I hope to show you the world and watch you wonder in it.  I know that you will make it your own.

Before you were born, I felt a nagging feeling that someone was missing.  Your presence has completed us in a way that I could never have imagined.  It was Sam we were missing, and we thank every day that you’re here now.

You adore your big sister and do your darnest to keep up with her.  You giggle together every day, which warms my heart more than you will ever know.  Daddy is your favorite jungle gym and no one can tickle you like Daddy can.  If you see him laying on the floor you crawl over to him and throw yourself on him with gusto, knowing that he will catch you. As for me, well, you and I have something special.  When you are upset you only want Mom, and I only want to make you happy.  Somehow, when you grew in my tummy, our hearts also grew together in a special way.  They continue to be connected even as you have been out in the world this year.

You are the light to our day my love and I look forward to what the next year brings.

All my love,
Mama