So the zoo it was.  It was a cool and drizzly day but Grandma and Grandpa, Jp, Debbie and Maddy, a few friends joined us to see some animals.  The highlight was watching two baby elephants swim and splash in the pond.  Sammy talked about “Phanties splashy!” for days after.

Following the zoo trip we came back to the house for a little lunch and party with a few more friends.  Sammy enjoyed seeing his best buddies G, M and A, and our neighbors and friends.  He blew out his candles, ate his banana-maple cupcake (“muffins”), opened presents (approximately 50 dinosaur related toys, books and games) and generally enjoyed himself. 

Friday night, while rolling out pizza dough, J and I were chatting about the recent death of an elderly member of J’s extended family.  Clare didn’t seem to be listening when all of a sudden she asked “am I going to die?”  If you could hear inside my head you would have heard a combination record scratch/heartbeat thud.  I tried to answer casually but I knew that this wasn’t going to be a casual conversation.  Our girl is smart, savvy and very emotionally astute.  A simple question is rarely a simple question. 

My philosophy about answering Clare’s questions, simple or otherwise, is to answer her question honestly but only answer her question.  For example, when she asked us “am I going to die?” our answer was “yes, someday you will die.”  We didn’t go into deep discussions of afterlife or heaven, we didn’t dodge her question, we didn’t minimize it – we just answered exactly her question in the most honest way we could.  Time will tell if this is the “best” way to handle these situations, but it’s what we do.  When we let Clare lead the discussion it usually means that we won’t throw more information at her than she can handle, but it does sometimes means the discussion can get messy and lead into tangents we never imagined. 

Last Friday was one of those nights where it got messy and lead to tangents.  We had an emotional night explaining that yes, all people die.  It usually happens when people are very old after living a long life.  Yes, every person that we know and love will eventually die.  We hope it won’t happen for a very long time.  We don’t know when we will die.  As we were explaining this to her, first in the kitchen while making pizza and then cuddling on her bed, she struggled and cried a little bit.  It’s a hard thing for a four-year-old to understand, though she was desperately trying to.  It’s a hard thing for an adult to understand, and many adults work very hard to avoid thinking about it.  She cried “But I want to be a mama!”  I assured her that she could still be a mama if she wanted to be one.  She probably would be a mama and even a grandma.  “But I don’t want you to die!  I need my family!”  You will have your family, my sweetheart, for a very long time.  We will be with you for a long time, and in your heart forever.  “When people die do they come back as babies in Mama’s tummies?”  We don’t really know what happens after people die, but some people believe that.  “It’s a little bit scary Mama.”  I know baby.  It is a lot scary.  Let’s focus on what we can control.  Let’s focus on living a good life, on having a good day, on enjoying each other right now.  What do you want to do tomorrow?  “I want to paint my fingernails and toenails.”  OK Baby, we will do that.

“Dying is still a little bit scary.”
“Yes it is Sweetheart.”

Dear Sam,

Two years ago early in the morning you came into our lives and we haven’t been the same since.  We’ve been celebrating that special day two years ago for the past few days, with a family zoo trip and party, and we finished off today with a small family party.  You are part of a loving community who came together around you for your birthday to share how special you are to all of us.

You are a unique and special little guy – and I don’t just say that because I absolutely adore you.  This year we’ve watched your personality develop and express itself in your words and actions.  You’re a fascinating mix of a gentle soul in a tough dude’s body, focused but not intense, relaxed and mellow but also incredibly stubborn (perhaps the most stubborn member of the family –  and that’s saying something), incredibly independent and yet very loving and attached.  You march to your own drum, do things at your own pace, and chart your own path.  You have a dry yet goofy sense of humor, and while you have a happy heart you’re not quick to smile or laugh.  You are, in short, perfectly Sammy.

This year you have discovered your new great loves – dinosaurs and baseball.  You still love animals and books, but especially if they’re about dinosaurs or baseball.  You’re favorite place to be is outside (always outside) especially exploring someplace new.  You explore where you want to go, at your own pace, and don’t have much use for staying with the group.  This can be really frustrating for me, but I know that it’s your way of going through the world.

Your sister remains your favorite person on earth.  You miss her when she’s at school and will tackle her with a bear hug when she gets home.  No one makes you giggle like she does and you will follow her to the ends of the earth.  You and your daddy wrestle and tussle like bear cubs and you bond over your shared love of baseball and dinosaurs.  You and I are still devoted to each other, and you especially come to me when you are sick, sad or need a little extra assurance.  In the last year you’ve also become really attached to your grandparents (all of them) and Aunt Debbie, Uncle JP and Cousin Maddy.  You’re world is becoming bigger and you love it.

You are the prince of our home and the smile in our hearts.  You bring a depth and perspective to our world that is all your own, and we look forward to see what each day brings with you.  Happy Birthday Bubby.  We love you as much as the biggest dinosaur and then some.

Lots of love,
Your Mama

We’re in the final countdown of Sam’s 1’s now. We’re celebrated his birthday today, but his actual birthday is on Monday (in two days).  I’m savoring the final days of being able to pretend that he’s still my baby.  It’s all pretend though because if you ask him if he’s a baby he says “No.  I boy.”  {Pause while I wipe my eyes.}

A few things I want to remember about one-year-old Sammy.

– He is figuring out boys and girls – and pretty much has it right though he likes to pretend he doesn’t sometimes to mess with us.  He’ll go through the members of the family “Clare a girl.  Daddy a boy.  Grandma a girl.  Maddy a girl” then he’ll get a gleam in his eye and say “Mama a boy” and then wait for me to correct him. 

– He continues to love dinosaurs, but his new love is baseball.  He spent quite a bit of time watching the World Series on his Daddy’s lap and was never without his Red Sox cap.  He has a little T-ball set in the backyard and will hit and throw with the best of them – that is the best of the four-and-under-set.  J was trying to teach him to say “Go Sox!” and Sam frowned and yelled back “No Socks!” and lifted up his bare foot.

– He identifies several of his letters using the word that he associates with them.  He walks through the house pointing to “T for Grandma T!” and “S for Sam!” and “M for Mama!” among others.  He seems to be really enjoying recognizing letters as he sees them in the world, it’s sort of like he’s decoding a pattern.

– He’s really getting into playing with little toys and figures, setting up little scenes and moving them around.  I don’t think he’s quite to the point of pretend play, but he loves to stack the little people and animals up, move them around and carry them with him.  He also cooks many meals in the kid kitchen and takes care of the doll babies in the house.  He’s also started acting as animals – hopping around and saying “ribbit,” crawling on all fours while meowing, etc.  It’s so fun to see his creative imagination develop.

– All of a sudden (really in the last week) his language has exploded.  He walked into the kitchen and says “How about we watch Super Why?”  He told J “stop that dancing Daddy!”  Tonight when I was putting him to bed he asked me to sing him a “doggie song.”  I told him that I didn’t know a doggie song and asked him to sing me one.  He sang “doggie song/doggie song/doggie song/woof woof woof.”  It’s also a little easier to understand him, though he certainly has his own unique words for things.  He calls elephants “Fanties” which sounds a lot like “froggies.”  When I tell him “I love you” he always responds with “Alloboo.”  Alloboo too Little Boy.